Thursday, January 19, 2006

the onion can still bring it

"Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous"

As I read this column, the words were spoken in my head by the voice of Brad Moore. Take that for what you will.

In any case, it totally makes up for the uber-disappointing "Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected". Maybe I love the concept of hunting people for sport a little too much; maybe no satirical news article could possibly live up to my hopes and dreams. I still think the concept represents a vast, untapped vein of humor, just waiting to spill forth.

The best line: "They asked about grand prizes and something they called an 'immunity challenge,'" von Urwitz said. "I had my men slit their throats."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

cheesesteaks! Quakers "Cheesesteak" Leopards

Thanks to Mensch for the heads-up. I wasn't there, but as a crotchety old man, I can't imagine it could possibly compare to the magical night Palestra folk hero Dan Solomito won everybody cheesesteaks in the best Penn basketball season ever (assuming all of recorded history starts in the fall of 1998 and stops in the spring of 2002).

I bet the young kids tonight even went straight to Abner's to collect their free cheesesteaks. In our day, we celebrated free cheesesteaks by throwing random dudes through plate-glass windows, telling them "when you get to hell, tell 'em Section 109 sent you." Upon arrival, we'd immediately grab raw beef off the grill with our bare hands and stuff it in our mouths, so as not to have to wait as long as the suckers (i.e., the people in line for "cooked" cheesesteaks).

First it's a gunshot Penn student failing to quip about intact genitalia, and now this. Such pale imitations these college kids are nowadays.

In other news, in case it gets lost in the mad rush to Abner's, it's worth mentioning that the Quakers are kicking the shit out of people right now.

more fun with keywords

ha ha teddy roosevelt fark
snakes on a plane something awful
rich kotite empty seats
large pictures of jake delhomme
al roker jalapeno cornbread "al roker"

Monday, January 16, 2006

old school Penn student shot at 38th, Sansom

It's like somebody put Penn into the wayback machine, and it's 1997 again. The only thing missing is a classic line like "I'm just glad it didn't hit my penis."