Friday, May 05, 2006

very very early friday thoughts

- What are Law and Order: SVU repeats doing on the SciFi Channel? The only plus side would be Sam Waterston somehow staring intently into the camera during a promo and talking about how Mansquito is "inherently dramatic."

- Demolition Man is the stupidest movie of all time.

- You just knew this story had to come from Philly.

- I bet the Baby Looney Tunes think the Muppet Babies are total assholes.

And what happened to Lola Bunny in between her time as a baby Looney Tune and a disturbingly sexy rabbit-thing? You know, besides the cartoon boobs. Where was she?

My guess is that she and Bugs grew up together and became high school sweethearts. Bugs liked to drag race out in the desert by the ravine, and on the night before he was to ship out to Vietnam, he went up against Yosemite Sam for "slips," as the kids said back then. Lola wanted to come along, not knowing that the locking mechanism for the passenger-side door on Bugs' '72 Charger had rusted and broken. On one particularly sharp turn around the edge of the ravine, the door gave way and flew open, sending Lola hurtling into the night. The Looney Tunes eventually gave up hope of finding her, assuming that she had met her untimely demise at the bottom of the chasm.

Bugs was emotionally scarred and coped with his guilt in odd ways. Eventually he ended up a transient - moving from city to city, forest to forest, always living in holes in the ground to keep people from seeing the shame that hung around him like a cloud of cigar smoke. At one point he attempted to create a suit simulating Lola's appearance from the skin of the dim-witted local sportsmen he often encountered.

But Lola was not dead - she survived her fall into the ravine and was found in the desert days later by a mysterious stranger, who nursed her back to health. Her physical therapy involved honing her basketball skills, and through her games she became friends with her former enemies - one of whom gave her lessons in sassmouth and overall spunk.

Lola rejoined her fellow Looney Tunes as they fought for their very souls. She sank layups and used her wit and endearing feminine pluck to show her fellow toons that she could survive - even thrive - in a world not of her making. After beating the Monstars, she and Bugs lived happily ever after, despite the fact that Bugs still spent most of his time living in holes, wearing womens' clothing, and and arguing with his would-be skin donors as to which hunting season it actually was (the answer? HUMAN SEASON!!!!!).


Janice said...

Was Lola lost on a left turn, in or around Albuquerque? It would explain Bugs' inability to ever take that turn, leading him to get lost in unfortunate places. There's no rational reason for it, so it must be a deep psychological scar.

Ed Zawadzki said...

hey demolition man is awesome... In a "oh my god this movie is awesomly bad" kind of way... it's like huxley's "Brave New World". only with stuff blowing up. and dennis leary. yeah. can't beat that